"The Confused Man, #1"

I have gone to the limits of my intelligence writing this blog and I had a very hard time finding my way back.  Who would want to come back to my mind if you didn't have to?  If you only knew the state I am in you would go back and tell all your friends to come and read the ramblings of a Mad Man, or I should say a Confused One.

  My life was on a collision course with the nearest star when all of a sudden something came to my rescue.  It was a very dark night, so I had to rely on all my senses, except my sight.  I don't have a clue as to who or what it was.  My first hint was that whatever it was, it had a very long scratchy beard, a very long tail or long head hair.  Exploring further, I found a hole near where the hair was coming out of and stuck my finger in it.  I assumed it was a mouth or what I hoped was a mouth.  It had a peculiar scent, a little like a combination of my Axe mouthwash and a piece of rotten fruit, kind of sweet smelling.

  Then I put my ear on what I thought was its nose, which it wasn't,  but I could still hear breathing.  I also could hear some gurgling.  What I thought was the nose was small and formed a small cavity filled with pieces of string and fuzz from a cotton shirt.  I'm ashamed of this, but I also put my tongue in it and rolled it around till I had a good taste of it in my mouth.  It tasted just like a fried pickle with avocado sauce you would get at the fair.

  Then I got real brave and put my arms around it and squeezed it and as my wife says, I "skated" over the surface of whatever it was.  It was slick but hairy, soft but damp, sticky but smooth.  That just confused me more but I kind of liked how it felt and I think it liked it too because I could feel it getting warm.  When I tried to clean my hands, I could feel my skin coming off and boy did that hurt.

I wish I could use my magic mirror to help me identify this thing. Then somebody yells out from behind me, "hey you! writer, you can't use your mirror, you're supposed to be blind, remember",  you Dumb Ass.

 So I went back to the beginning and tried to summarize all I had done to identify this thing.  The only sense I had not called upon was my feet.  I have very sensitive feet.  So here is what I did.

  I got down on the floor and onto my back.  I put my feet under the big fat body and pushed for all I was worth.  The thing went into the air and back down and I heard the body hit the floor with an enormous thud.  After I got up and looked at the thing it had shrank till it was only the size of a basketball.

Since I couldn't tell what it was I threw it away in the dumpster behind the bowling alley where all the homeless dogs and cats go to eat and make little baby dogs and cats.

  I hope you liked some of my blogging.  If you liked it and want to contribute to my non-profit life just send it to ME, 75186 West West Street, Denton, California and I will send you the real address.  Sorry we don't take $ 1,000 dollars bills. See all you fine folks next time.

The Confused Man aka Dave Friedman aka David Friesen